Brawling for Popularity

When I was younger, I never thought of being a girl. I have always acted and dressed like a boy. I always wanted to become one of those boys who could make everyone stop and stare, even just for a while. I wanted to be respected and feared. Most of all, I wanted to get the attention given to the boys more than girls, due to their physical strength. When I was in sixth grade, I admired how my male classmates were. They were always bullying my other classmates, and getting into riots inside the four corners of the classroom. Due to that, many of my classmates were afraid of them. I believed that those were cool. So, I tried. I have this guy classmate of mine, who was older than us. He was nice to everyone. He was the "big brother" of the whole class. Once, he made fun of me. Actually, the jokes he had thrown were simple and just funny. But, I never liked it. I told him to stop, but he didn't. When I had enough, I stood up and picked a dustpan. And, in front of the whole class, I hit him with the filthy thing. He had a tiny cut in his neck. At last, he stopped making fun of me. I, on the other hand, felt that what I did was cool. Devilish as it may sound, I became happy. However, I wasn't contented yet. When he went out of the room, I confronted him. He really did not want to fight with me, but I didn't listen to him. I threw a punch into his face. He got mad and gave me a kick. So did I. We had a physical fight in the corridor. It stopped when he ran after me and we met a teacher. After that, I really felt fulfilled. It was so nice battling with a guy. That time, I thought that I could already be considered as one of those strong boys being feared by people. But, the next day, I was surprised as our teacher knew about what I did to my classmate. She got angry and even told me, "I will talk to you later!" With those words, I had my heart beating so fast, with my conscience alarming me. I realized that what I did was wrong. I should have just talked to him peacefully. But, I never did. I was blinded by the praises that will be given to me because I was brave and strong. I was really demoralized that time. I never wanted to be subjected into a disciplinary action, or worse, suspension. Luckily, due to ageing, my teacher forgot about the talk and even my offense. I did a big sigh of relief! After that, I approached my classmate, asked forgiveness, and admitted my fault. I felt ashamed. I realized that I don't have to do what my boy classmates do just to be praised and get more attention. There are so many ways to gain compliments from the people around you, without using your fist. Maybe, you can get some as you knock a person down, but, it will never bring you true peace and happiness.